Forest transformations

I break my heart over and over just to learn something new every time. I'm starting to think this is not by accident.

“Failure should be our teacher, not our undertaker. Failure is delay, not defeat. It is a temporary detour, not a dead end. Failure is something we can avoid only by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing.” - Denis Waitley

I could feel myself choked up as the Judge explained to me how I would give my testimony. I was representing myself, again, in my divorce, again. No charm here, just that same mistake I made when I was weak Misty. And now, here I am doing it alone. But why didn't it feel different?

This day had finally come but when it was all over I felt nothing. I think it's because I felt so alone for so long it was as if I had went to court to divorce myself. I like the way that sounds. I divorced myself today. I married a person who was a reflection of my deepest and worst characteristics. A person that brought out every flaw and insecurity I had tucked away and managed so well for the past 30 years, or at least I thought. I see now that it had to happen. I wasn't going to take the step needed to make a change; to transform my forest. My forest? yes, my soul.

My now ex husband was the prime example of someone who overcame a struggle and had a sweet heart. That's right, I'm saying nice things here. It wasn't until a tornado like me came along he then became a monster. Maybe I awoke the monster. I still blame myself often wondering if my toxic ways are really why he relapsed and used. Was he trying to get away from my anger, pride, cold heart and breakable walls? Or am I beating myself up over a self-righteous enabled brat? Who knows. But what I do know is, I refuse to not take any of the blame. I must, you know, in order to move past this.

I ignored all the red flags. And I think most women do because we are in a constant struggle deciding if what we see as a red flag, isn't in fact an insecurity we're struggling with. I looked at my actions I was displaying and realized I had that same issue in my prior relationship. So it must just be me. I'm the problem. And so I blew off the red flag and pressed on. And press on I did. I would say even pushed. I pushed so much my actions created cliffs and in a sad sense, I killed the one I pushed. Take those toxic traits, mix it with a mental health disorder (my ex husband) and shit is going to go down.

Sounds like I'm bashing myself because I am. I started to see mirrors every where I went. I was so unhappy with how I was willing to treat and love others. I self evaluated and laid down. I began to see that I had to realize what was happening here. What was happening was I was trying to force something my heart wanted with a person that wasn't meant to be in my life that way. I was so caught up in how I thought things should be I ignored the fact I was demanding things from an innocent person who was being destroyed by my selfish actions. And so I changed.

I changed to be exactly what he needed me to be and what I "needed" to be, to be a "good wife." But that wasn't the issue. The issue was two people were trying to love the wrong souls in a way that God did not intend. And because we forced his hand we were standing in the fire, always. I swear I had never been so heartbroken. I take the blame because I always think I should have known better.

But here is what I learned. I have unrealistic expectations of a spouse I would never want someone to expect from me. I bottle things up until they come out in anger instead of love. I use my body as a form of punishment when I don't get what I want. I allow past hurts to make judgements on people who have never hurt me or haven't hurt me yet because I expect the worse. I am selfish and what is mine is mine and what is theirs is mine as well. I lay down rules I wouldn't follow because I feel it's okay for me but not them because they're untrustworthy. And, when times get tough I run and hurt those who I love the most.

This was a hard self evaluation to take. I swear if it weren't for peace I felt when I prayed I would have just laid down and gave up. My ex husband was not perfect. He had and has many flaws that need to be handled by him. My ex husband fully relied on me to make him happy and fix him when I myself was terribly broken. I carried too much on my shoulders with also having four kids and so I had resentment instead of loved. By the time is was all said and done the damage was unrepairable. But I felt a new sense of purpose and worth that could have only ever came from the hell I lived through for two years and I would never take it back.

Every time I prayed "God, how do I fix him?" God responded with "fix yourself first." And that hurt because I knew the truth but didn't want to face it. So today I am divorced for the second time. I had allowed myself to feel like a failure but today I feel like I won. I won because I have grown through these issues that had bound me to a life of unhappiness. Issues I had to fix myself. Self growth. And so I am happy where I am in life right now and feel a change in me like a rush of fresh air. I continue to self evaluate every single day. I tackle on the doubt and negative thoughts with "how can I correct this attitude." not "how can someone fix this for me?"

I encourage you to ask yourself when faced with difficult situations. Ask yourself "did I cause this and how can I fix it if so?" Fix, correct, evaluate and communicate or replace with something healthier. They all mean the same to me.