The strength of the wolf is the pack, where is my pack?

I just have to say that I love the photos that came with my website. The image above is not of my own work but yet still beautiful.

I was laying in bed and had a million things racing through my mind. All go back to the situation I'm in. I was thinking earlier today about how broken people are and why in the heck have we done this to each other. To hurt one another. I can admit countless times where I have hurt someone deeply. This hurt rooted in some sort of hurt I had experienced and it just trails back to this person than that. Never ending.

I try not to focus on that because honestly there is nothing to be done. I realized that I am what I will call a Retractor. I will coil in when I feel rejected and close up. I need what I will call a Reacher. Someone who will not allow me to do this. No sleep, no silence until they know that I am feeling safe and secure. But what I am having trouble with is being a Reacher myself. I don't know if it's pride or I'm just a fricken brat. Probably both honestly.

I'm back to the thought of where I am asking myself, am I giving too much? One thing I've never understood though is why people hold back in the first place. Sure, we all get hurt but this life is so short. Why not chase love? You don't want to get hurt? okay, so you'll be ready for love at what 60? There are so many people to meet and explore and love how can you linger so long on one individual? If it didn't work out then count your blessings, collect your lessons learned, and apply that in a new person or area.

I've never understood how people break up and get back together over and over again. So, tiring. But I am pretty sure I got off track here. I was trying to get to some point. I am triggered because I am an amazing person and woman. I love deeply and am ready to fully invest. I am so sick of hearing these guys talk about how they are tired of dating these unmotivated, unlovable, worthless women. Then, when they get a good woman it's too hard because it requires work. So, they run back to the easy and continue their vicious cycle. Or they stick it out and try to do the same crap they did in their crappy old relationship expecting different results.

I am grateful that with every passing day I am mature enough to self-evaluate. But gosh I am so fricking pissed of feeling like I am having to babysit. You're getting some past feelings coming up here in this post. Sorry, I'll be divorced in 2 weeks. Thank God. I think about people I've been with and how they talked about wanting so much but always settled for nothing, and I had to make the ultimate decision to quit fucking caring and move on. I really don't know where this post is going but I feel like a damn wolf without the pack. Why? because men are dip shits and can't seem to catch a hint. Okay, I get it everyone has a different upbringing that alters and influence who they become as an adult, but for fucks sake how long does someone need their hand held before they figure it out and develop their own initiative?

And it's not like I keep my wants and needs a secret. I am very upfront and blunt about things. I will tell someone and let them go with it. Then I just find myself sighing heavily at all their bullshit. Can we stop encouraging people to feel so entitled and offended? Gah, post (rant) over. PS if you are indecisive and unsure what the hell you want, then leave people alone and find yourself.